Thanksgiving Questions I Will No Longer Deign to Answer

Every year, people my age have to bear the brunt of relatives’ question-asking. Whether it’s invasive, rude, or your grandmother has finally gone around the bend, everyone has had an experience with questions like these. Well, maybe not exactly these questions but you catch me, drift-wise.

This year, I will make it easy for everyone by simply sending them this post, complete with my answers. Easy peasy. I’ll try not to get political but I can’t promise anything. 

Without further ado or to do, let’s get started.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

No. If you don’t know that I am bisexual––surprise! For everyone who does and is about to ask me whether I have a girlfriend, the answer is also no. 

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

Just lucky, I guess.

“How’s school going?” 

Finally, a question that I can really get into! I’m actually doing this really fascinating research––

“Your mom says you met a guy at school. Are you dating?” 

No. 

“Why did you grow out your hair?” 

This might be one few people can relate to but it’s one I get often. I had pixie hair for the last seven years and now my hair is nearly down to my shoulders. I grew it out because I wanted to enchant and cannibalize unfortunate sailors more effectively. 

“What’re you gonna do after you graduate?” 

It’s either gonna be teaching or stripping, there is no in between. Your guess is as good as mine.

“You went to…France, right?” 

No,  I went to another plane of existence and discovered the singularity.

Yes, I went to France. 

“How was studying abroad?”

It was terrible. It sucked. It was the worst experience of my life. I met horrible people and ate horrible food and did absolutely nothing fun. How do you think it was?

“What do you want for Christmas?” 

A diploma.

“What do you think of all this that’s going on?” 

If you’re referring to the current political climate, I would rather douse myself in gravy and run naked through my parents’ new neighborhood than answer that in public.  Look up the economic crisis of the 1780s and then talk to me.

“Did you vote for him?” 

First of all, you are not allowed to ask me that.  Second of all, you are dealing with a history major whose specialization is American history. If you’d like to ask about that instead, let me know. I’ll be busy dousing myself in gravy in the corner and muttering about run-off elections.

Anyway, that’s all I have for you. Please ask me about my research so I can stop trying to find ways to casually slip 19th-century French Deaf people into the conversation.

Thanks for reading! And have a happy Thanksgiving!

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